my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
