hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
