guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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