she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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