I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
