Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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