my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
