Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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