There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
