my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
