He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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