I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize