So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
