sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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