apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
