she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
