I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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