I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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