Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I smell like Dick and happiness
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
