You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
