I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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