Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
