just come out here and I will go home with you...
just tell him i said nine months
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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