I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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