It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
