I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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