Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
