very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
