Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
