My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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