Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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