Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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