Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
