JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am one with the molecules
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
