After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
