you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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