Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
