Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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