I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
