dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
