Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
