trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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