is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
