i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
