she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
