Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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