I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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