was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
