When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
