She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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