my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize