I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
