This is not my ceiling
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
