I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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