I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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