I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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