So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
