Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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