so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
