So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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