Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
